


WHY?!

by Mayamelissa



Series: Chaos Never Ends In This Thing I Call My Brain [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: I'm Not Ashamed, Modern Character in Thedas, Modern Girl in Thedas, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sequel, Tags May Change, screw canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-19 00:25:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 17,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13111809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayamelissa/pseuds/Mayamelissa
Summary: I thought it was over but no!





	1. Chapter 1

**I’m not wearing my giant nightshirt.**

First thing of note after the initial feeling of deja vu wears off. And I definitely have some kind of bra on because my tits ain’t bouncing out of control. They’re well fit on my chest with just the minimum amount of movement.

I’m still big. But not as big as I used to feel. It was something I had noted during my year back after I finally woke from this madness; finally convinced myself it was merely a dream. A dream that warranted a change of medication but a dream nonetheless. I had lost weight and went down at least 2 pants sizes. Not impressive for most people but when you go from being a size 36 to a size 30, you fucking notice. Especially when all your pants keep sliding down after you walk longer than a block and you risk mooning the whole neighborhood.

I lost my pants twice during this last year and I became unable to leave the house for a while out of pure embarrassment.

So yeah, I’m sitting in the dungeon wearing something that actually seems suitable to walk around in in snow covered mountain territory. The only thing I don’t have on are shoes but really? Not surprised at all.

What does surprise me is there’s not a single guard down here. Why? There have always been god damn guards down here surrounding me. My foot lights up the room with a sputtering burst and I grimace. Oh I did not miss that feeling at _all_!

“Fuck you, you mother fucking Elder Gods and your fucking game series,” I spit out through ground teeth.

The door across from me slams open and in walks Cassandra followed by Leliana.

Here we go.

“Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you-”

Oh no! I am not sitting through this again!

“Let me stop you right there,” I interrupt. “Because I already know this song and dance so let me save both of you and me some time in advance. My name is Kat. I’m 36 years old. This mark on my foot? It came from being in the wrong place at the right time. The ancient Darkspawn magister who may or may not have helped bring the First Blight but was most certainly trapped by the Grey Wardens several hundreds of years ago using the blood of Malcolm Hawke is indeed alive and well despite what Varric and his friends thought. He and several brainwashed Grey Wardens entered the Conclave, took the Divine hostage, and tried to use her in a blood ritual to unlock a foci. It didn’t work.”

They’re both taken aback and Cassandra begins to speak. I hold up my hand to silence her.

“Let me finish because I’ve done this whole thing several times already and it gets really really fucking boring.”

“You’ve done this before?” That was Leliana.

“I honestly thought I was free and I wouldn’t have to be here again, but no! Fucking Elder God from a completely different universe decided to drag my flat yet fat ass back into this chaos,” I complain. “So yes, I have done this before. Both as a participant and an observer and let me tell you: I liked it better from the comfort of my own room!”

“Then you know what we must do now?”

I scrunch my face up in disdain. “It better not be that you’re going to kill me because I don’t feel like dying again,” I state. “This first rodeo had you stabbing me because you couldn’t hold yourself back from getting pissed off at my freaking out and then I got killed by the fucking crowd outside. Several times.”

“Go to the forward camp, Leliana,” Cassandra instructs, apparently ready to just get on with everything. “I will escort her to the Rift.”

“Is there a way I can actually skip the forward camp after we close the rift?” I ask. Cassandra looks at me. “Just go straight from the rift to the temple? I really don’t want to deal with Chancellor Roderick. The man’s a dick!”

“We shall see,” Cassandra says. She’s got that tone she gets when she’s exercising as much patience as she can. Great! Disapproval already. **This is going to be so much fun!**

I’m inwardly rolling my eyes as I’m taken out of the Chantry and I am really not going to repeat this whole conversation to you people, okay? You know what it is. She explains, my foot flares up like a firecracker, we exchange a few words and she’s leading me in what I call the parade of shame. I am tempted to greet anyone I recognize just to fuck with them. That’ll give the people something to talk about. And make more than one of them dead. Then we’re out of luck by at least one blacksmith and a barkeep. Yeah, I’m not going to do that.

**I still swear to God that person looks like Threnn to me.**

Oh shit I forgot I’m not wearing any shoes. Not even got foot wraps on. “Yo, Cassandra-”

“Seeker Pentaghast,” Cassandra corrects me. “Do not address me so familiarly.”

“Right. Um, mind if I get something to cover my feet like some boots or foot wraps?”

She blinks and looks down at my feet. “Yes, we should certainly do that,” the Seeker agrees and calls for someone to bring her a pair of boots. Through the magic of Thedas fashion they fit me and we’re off to see the wizard. The infuriating wizard of Egg.

 

* * *

 

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals! This took way too long to get out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got Roderick to shut up! I WIN!

Still don’t know how to fight, but I am very good at dodging now. Technically it felt more like comedic slip and fall but I didn’t get hit by the shade who charged at me. So winning!

I never picked up a weapon so when she pointed her sword at me and told me to drop my weapon, it took all I had to just give her a look. I mean really? What the fuck?! “Take a good look at me and say that again,” I demanded.

She blinked and eyed me. I could see realization dawn. I’d like to think that redness that hit her face was embarrassment and not from the chill wind blowing through.

“My apologies,” she said. “I don’t know why I thought-”

“Because up until now I would have had one to try and fight,” I explain. I walk carefully to the melted gooey remains of the fallen shades. Hey, look: loot! “This time I had nothing to grab and it was all you with the fighting.”

“You honestly expect me to believe that?”

“Do or don’t, Cassandra-”

“Seeker Pentaghast.”

“Whatever, I don’t give a shit. On what I call you or what you believe. I’m just here to entertain a trio of Elder Gods with my antics and save the world.”

I got some gold and a very lovely cut amethyst from the sludge before we continued on. 

“You’ve mentioned something like that before,” she observes as we continue on. “An Elder God. Tell me: do you believe in the Maker?”

“Oh-ho-ho, nooooooo! You are not ready for that discussion,” I chuckle. “Try me again later when shit’s calmed down.”

Cassandra seemed to begrudgingly accept that answer but I could tell she was intensely curious about me. Finally,  _ finally _ we got to the damned area where Bald Bastard and Captain Chest Hair were with some of the remaining troops. Cassandra lunged into the fray while I just watched. I mean I don’t know how to fight and I don’t wanna throw rocks at the monsters to distract them. Not because I’m some kind of coward but because I have shit aim. The last thing the fighters need is to get hit by me while fighting demons, okay?

So as the field cleared of enemies, I rush forward and kick my foot out towards the rift. The energy connects (ha-ha, fuck you Solas!) and I manage to close it. No touching by Solas required. I can’t tell if he’s impressed or worried.

“It appears my theory was correct,” the smug bastard in question speaks up. “The mark can be used to stabilize and close the rifts brought about by the Breach.” I look at him wondering if he can see how much I am judging him. Oh I wonder if he thinks it’s because I’m human and he’s an elf. I wonder if I can still speak elvhen? Do I want to even speak with him right now? I’m thinking so hard I almost miss Varric’s introduction. No matter how much I’m done with shit, still can’t bring myself miss that.

“Varric Tethras. Rogue. Storyteller. And occasionally: unwelcome tag-a-long.”

I love it when he gives that cheeky little wink to Cassandra and she sneers. It’s fantastic!

I offer my hand to him. “It’s a pleasure to see you, Varric,” I say and he shakes my hand. “I’m glad to have Bianca and you on my side for however long you stick around.”

“You may come to regret those words in time,” Solas spoke. I scoff and look at him.

“Trust me, Wolf,” I won’t even say his name right now, “if anyone should be regretting any decisions they’ve been making since they woke up, it should be you.”

He stares at me, a slight momentary crack in the mask and then it is gone. I turn to Cassandra. “Is there any way we can get directly through to the temple from here?” 

She tells me no and I sigh bitterly. The drill is the same as before all the way to the forward camp where Roderick is. You know, a year has a really helped make me think about things. I’m wiser in a lot of matters. Or at least I hope so. But I’ve also lost a lot of giving fucks. And I pretty much am washing my hands of going by the fucking script.

“As Grand Chancellor-”

“Shut up,” I state and he stares at me. His face turns red. 

“You dare order me?”

“I said Shut. The fuck. Up.”

I emphasize the t, k, and p with a popping of my lips.

“You are a very literally a low level, low ranked clerk in the Chantry. I have given you no authority over me and you  _ definitely _ hold no authority over the Right and Left Hands of the Divine. You are reaching far above your station and are not ready for the shit storm that would come down on you for your actions. So you will sit down! You will shut up! You will not order anyone around unless Leliana or Cassandra give you authority to act!  _ They _ are the ones in charge here!  _ They _ are who the Divine trusted the most of everyone! Not  _ you _ ! Do you understand me?!” 

The booming power of my voice actually manages to drown out the Breach for a moment and people are staring. Roderick’s face is turning redder and he tried to sputter some kind of rebuke.

“I said  _ shut up _ !”

A crack of lightning from the skies above after my shout makes two things happen. 

Number one: I feel like the Dragonborn when they’re about to release a thu'um. 

And number two: Roderick does exactly as I command.

“Now here’s what is going to happen,” I explain, staring him straight into the eyes. “You are going to help give the people around here comfort and assist with the prayers and rites. You’re going to do what the Chantry is meant to do and take care of the people during this time of chaos. Do you understand?”

He nods, struck silence and submissive for the first time in his goddamn life. 

“Leliana, send word to Cullen tell him to have his troops perform a defensive retreat and fall back. Then I need you to gather what soldiers you can and meet us at the Temple.”

“And what will you do?” she asks me.

“Solas, Varric, Cassandra and I will go up the mountain path where we’ll rescue what’s left of the scouting troop and go into the Temple through that route.”

“We lost contact with an entire party on that path,” Cassandra counters.

“And we have to climb up a bunch of fucking creaky ass wooden ladders to ascend, Seeker,” I add. “But the scouting part still has survivors fighting for their lives and I don’t plan on letting them all die. So you have two - no wait:  _ three _ choices. Stay here and help Roderick comfort the people in Haven. Help with the retreating forces and then meet us at the Temple with Leliana. Or you can come with me while I fucking deal with my fear of heights and ladders like a big girl!”

I look at Roderick who swallows nervously.

“After I’ve stabilized the Breach if you are still making demands on which you have no actual power to make, I will personally haul your pompous no evidence hurling accusatory ass into the cells below Haven where I will gladly have you rot! Are we clear?!”

When the eventual adrenaline wears off after that display of mine, it is going to suck but at that moment: I am fucking queen of the goddamn universe. 

Luckily it does at just the right moment. Not when I’m at the bottom or in mid ascension of the ladders but after I’m done. Why’d I fucking choose the mines?! Why?! Because I wanted to see grab that extra sweet loot and gold. Fucking Christ, I’m a greedy bitch.


	3. Chapter 3

The Dalish say ‘May the Dread Wolf never catch your scent.’ Or something like that. Back home we have a saying of how you let sleeping dogs lie. Until now I was very good with leaving things alone.

But now as I stand here, staring at a giant gaping green asshole in the sky, I find myself unable to really just leave it be. So I look at the tall bald headed elf besides me, point to him with my mouth screwed up in disgust and then point to the Breach. I shake my head very slowly; the corners of my mouth pointing towards the ground.

**“You are a stupid, stupid egg.”**

Yeah, I know speaking to him in his native language (which I can still totally do surprise surprise!) might have been a stupid thing right now *sing song voice* but I don’t care! 

I ignore any looks he gives me, focused the demon shitting storm above us.

“ **To be fair though** ,” I tell him, “ **it was a good idea in theory. Unfortunately your ideas don’t work when put into practice. Maybe you should think a lot harder about the consequences next time. You piece of shit.”** I give him what I think looks like a cheeky grin and then look back at the sky.

“The Breach is a long way up,” Varric says.

Next up we got the standard here comes Leliana, Cassandra asking me if I’m ready, blah blah blah. Shit! You people know how this works! You don’t need me to retell every detail.

I’m going to change my tenses here for a minute so pardon me.

Course what you’re really interested in is the demon fight. Giant ass Pride demon with its impenetrable shields? It sucked balls. I spent ninety five percent of the battle with the Pride Demon focused on following me, ignoring everybody else who was hitting him! Seriously he was firing those big old energy balls whenever he got the chance and tried to whip me when his huge ass got close enough. Didn’t concentrate on anyone else, just little old me who wasn’t doing anything but trying to rend the fucking rift shut.

Finally somehow it got sealed and I passed out. Was once again somehow transported back to Haven and I woke up.

And that was my first day back in Thedas as told in three chapters. I feel very proud of myself.

If anyone is disappointed how short this part was, let me tell you: nothing happened. I lived through a proper boss battle and passed out and then was unconscious for several days. No dream visits by Sheogorath or Flemythal or Solas. Just me. On my own. In the darkness.

So how about you get stuck in Thedas and then I’ll let you complain.

Why the fuck am I talking like this? Sorry everybody, I’m cranky!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How sad is it I have to get stuck in a "fictional world" for me to get new clothes?

I missed Lisandra.

She has no idea who I am and is more nervous than a cat in room full of rocking chairs but I missed her.

I also am going to make sure she doesn’t get in trouble for the accident with the potions. I’m more aware of things than my last trip here. I’m going to keep an eye out for more things that are wrong and that I can fix as well as giving zero fucks with the consequences of my no longer caring about the script. Help where I can and want.

I can’t imagine there being anything in the special orders chest but I go to look anyhow because I like being nosy.

Oh my...

I don’t remember this armor being available!

In fact, as I hold it up to look at, this ain’t even Bioware owned. This is Nightingale armor! As in Skyrim Thieves Guild Boogeyman!

Now I have not played Skyrim in a while because I had computer issues as in my computer made me afraid to try and run it, but I know what Nightingale armor looks like. Seventy five to eighty percent of all mods I used in Skyrim were armor and weapons mods. I liked dressing pretty. Sue me.

Why do I have this? I am the least stealthiest mother fucker out there! Is this a joke? Yes, I like to steal shit in video games but not in real life!

Don’t laugh at the fact I am stuck in Thedas when I say that!

I put the complete set of deep purple Nightingale armor over on my bed and just stare at it for a few moments. Then I go and rummage through the special deliveries container to see what else is in there.

No Avaar or Qunari based armors in the chest, which made sense because I assume those would found or given later depending on choices made. Which brings me relief because I know shit about fuck when it comes to wearing those or any kind of armor! And I don’t like these pajamas!

“Ooooooh! What have we here?” I ask aloud and pull out a very soft (like micro-roshe soft!) knit sweater with one of those really awesome cowl necks that I like to use as a hood. The color is a rich dark charcoal and it was made with a nice thick yarn. The whole thing looks really expensive and nothing I could have afforded back home. Seriously the last time I got new clothes was a pack of underwear and that was two years ago.

The length of it is long so I’m thinking it’s a tunic.

Holy shit, my first tunic!

Is it my first tunic? I think it’s my first tunic. First in years, we’ll go halfsies.

Got a nice pair of pants. Leggings, I think. Not too tight but they looked like they would fit good. I don’t know what they’re made of but they’re kinda thick but not scratchy. And the material is slightly stretchy. I’ll definitely wear this stuff over the Nightingale digs for now. Somebody gonna have to help me with that mess!

Finally I got some me some nice boots, socks and gloves that can complete the look. I will not be cold wearing this, I think. “How’d you manage to import modern day long socks into fucking Thedas?” I ask out loud. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful because I’m happy for them. They had to tie their socks to keep them up in this time period so you can imagine I’m very grateful for socks with the fitted tops. “Thank you to whoever is responsible for that.”

Boots fit well. A little too well and I have to wonder if these are also a modern specialty imported to me. The pair I’d gotten here last time were not like this. They looked like this to a degree but they definitely didn’t fit like this.

I wiggle my toes inside the boots and walk a little bit around the room after I’m dressed to get a feel for the whole outfit. I’m comfy and just the right amount of snuggly warm. That’s the perfect warm because I won’t be overheated since I know the chantry will be cold but not as cold as outside.

“Please do not ruin this very nice pair of boots,” I plead to the mark. “I like them and they are comfy.”

I feel it let out a tingly snap as a response. “It’s bad enough I have to kick like a goddamn Rockette doing the hokey pokey with you! Probably gonna chop my damn leg off when all this is over! To be honest though, prefer that over you on my hand. No way am I -”

I stop and blink, looking up at nothing in particular but my brain still feels like I’m breaking the fourth wall somehow. “I’m talking to myself while Cassandra and Leliana are having to deal with What-A-Dick. Shit! Okay, Kathleen! No more procrastination. Let’s go see what bullshittery we have to deal with this time on: My New Life In Thedas! Yes, that’s right, Eric! It’s My New Life in Thedas! Where we play as a bipolar schizophrenic in her mid-30s who has transported into a fictional world where she must unite and lead all of known Thedas against an ancient darkspawn magister with delusions of godhood! All while keeping the Daedric Princes from SKyrim who are watching highly entertained with her constant flailing! My New Life in Thedas! Coming this Fall to ABC! Jesus fucking Christ!”

I leave the cabin and head towards the chantry, part of the cowl neck of my sweater acting like a hood. I feel very pretty and cozy and comfortable as I mosey along. It’s cold but not really hugely cold. Just a lovely nippy. I’m well protected from the elements.

I’ll get to my amazing confrontation with Roderick next chapter. Right now I’m enjoying the feel of these clothes far too much to concentrate.

So comfy…


	5. Chapter 5

I’m having issues with Roderick.

He’s not acting completely like he is scripted to be and that frightens me. First off he didn’t order those templar guards to put me in fucking chains. You’re supposed to immediately walk into that and I didn’t. Oh he was arguing loudly with Cassandra but he didn’t order me in chains and I am so confused.

Of course I did go into the room exclaiming, “I can hear you two yelling at each other from outside the main doors!” But that shouldn’t have stopped him from ordering me cuffed and bound.

And then Cassandra asks me how I’m feeling. Like, what? She genuinely sounds curious and I’m trying to shake off the weirded out feeling within.

“I’m alive. For now,” I answer. “Whether that’s a blessing or curse remains to be seen. Anyhow, I’m sure you don’t genuinely give a shit about me as a person at this moment since you don’t know me from a hole in the ground so let’s cut to the chase. Then you all can go back to screaming at each other while I try and figure out how the hell I’m supposed to get through this. The Divine hoped that some brokerage of peace could happen with the conclave but she wasn’t stupid. That’s why she was assembling the Inquisition. At least that’s what I’m speculating. According to what is essentially her last will and testament, she wants this Inquisition unify the people and end this chaos that we have going down. How’m I doing so far?”

“Oddly on point.” Leliana tilts her head to the side slightly, her face showing no emotion but I know she’s curious.

“The Chantry isn’t going to support us given how this Inquisition was meant to not just unite the chaos but also fix a lot of the Chantries issues. And don’t say a word about the Chantry being just fine, Roderick, because if the Chantry hadn’t been so political and self-serving in far too many cases, we might not be in such a huge mess right now.”

“You are very sure of yourself,” Roderick says. I think he’s grinding his teeth as he speaks so it makes me wonder what is up.

“The chantry was founded to follow the teachings of Andraste and help spread the word of the Maker. I’ve said it before and I will keep saying it: you can’t do that if all you concentrate is building temples with giant brass statues shined to look like they are made of gold and your clergy are eating up to 3 meals a day while the people (which includes elves because Shartan and the elves were the first to rally to Andraste’s cry) are starving in the streets and cannot afford days old bread. You’ve got rampant classism and racism issues. People out to further their own positions instead of doing the duty of their office. And when you do have people acting as the proper shining examples to Andraste’s preachings? Well Mother Giselle from Jader’s actions regarding refugees during the Blight is a good example if you need one.”

I have made them silent. Apparently I just hijacked the entire cutscene!

“Anyhow, Chancellor, if you intend to go and tattle to the remaining grand clerics about us heretics and our complete disregard for the quote unquote proper authority, now would be an excellent time.”

“Do you have a particular problem with me, Young Lady?”

“Instead of waiting to see if I would even live and could tell you what happened that caused the Breach in the first place, you wanted me put in chains and dragged off to Val Royeaux to await execution! You blustered and hurled commands to the second and third most powerful members of the chantry hierarchy while people needed help! You refused to accept that there was a chance that the Breach might stabilize and were content to let people die while you stood around in front of your tent. And you called Cassandra, The Motherfucking Right Hand of the Divine and a member of Nevarran royalty, a thug!” 

I can see his neck tense and his frown growing deeper but he still hasn’t left. And he’s not saying anything. Is he broken? What’s going on? Why isn’t he leaving? Why aren’t they kicking him out?

“I will continue our conversation later,” he tells Cassandra and Leliana and finally leave the damn room.

I motion behind me. “He is not acting like he is supposed to,” I state. “He was supposed to be demanding me in chains and blasting orders at you two. The only thing he was doing right was arguing about how much I failed saving everyone before I entered the room!”

“You make it sound as if we were actors in a play,” Cassandra exclaims.

“Actually it’s an interactive work,” I correct her. “One I’ve played and watched a whole hell of a lot. Why do you think my give-a-damn’s busted and I have no filter on what I say? Anyhow, I’ll help you out because the only alternative is leaving and I don’t have anywhere to go. Or anything else to do. Just be aware I like to complain. A lot.”

They stare at me for a few minutes. Cassandra is obviously taken back on my willingness while Leliana is ever the poker face. “Is there anything else you believe we should know?” Leliana asks.

“Plenty. But I’m hungry and weirded out by Chancellor Roderick’s behavior,” I reply. “Also keep an eye out for that poor elf that came into my cabin when I woke up. I accidentally scared her and the poor girl dropped the thing she was carrying. Broke a few potion vials and it’s my fault. She seems like a nice lady and I don’t want her hurt or pay docked because of me.”

“I’ll ensure she’s not punished,” Leliana promised.

“Thank you. Now I have to go remember how I get food around here. And bathe. And all those other primitive medieval things I had forgotten how to do because I was hoping this was all just a weird dream and my medication was off! Let me know when the Chantry denounces us and officially classifies me as a heretic!”

I leave the war room with a wave behind me. 


	6. Chapter 6

It’s a day later when I’m invited to chat with Leliana.

And by chat I mean politely interrogated.

If I were anyone else, A: I wouldn’t be here and B: I can guarantee she would have had me grabbed and dragged down to the dungeon with a black sack on my head. Probably tortured me. Definitely had me bound in chains again.

I’m not stupid. I make questionable choices and my filter between brain and mouth doesn’t work. I’m also naive and somewhat ignorant. But not stupid.

We’re left alone as far as I can tell and she offers me something to drink. I decline. Not because I think she’d poison me. However I don’t drink a lot of tea. I can’t drink much water because of how it gives me acid reflux. I avoid alcohol except on certain occasions. I haven’t checked with Flissa yet but I’m pretty sure they don’t really have any juice available right now.

Now I’m thinking about what different kinds of juice they have in Thedas. How different will it taste from the kind I’ve had at home?

“So, you said your name was Kathleen?”

I blink and look at Leliana, remembering where I am and what’s going on.

“Yeah. And you’re Leliana. Veteran of the Fifth Blight. Left Hand to the Divine. Nightingale of the Imperial court. Seneschal to the Inquisition.”

“Impressive,” she compliments although I don’t know if it’s true or not.

“Yeah, you are. So what do you want to know?”

“Everything you can tell me about what is going on. Starting with what happened at the Conclave.”

I sigh. “Slight problem with that. I know what I know but my real memories of the events that transpired are missing.” Which is true. I can really only guestimate what actually happened in the temple and when I was stuck in the Fade because I’ve never gotten that far as me. Only when I played the game or watched Youtube videos. In fact if it wasn’t for the Fade bleed when it showed me all those years ago the interruption with me and Sheogorath, I would still be in the dark that he’d been there physically with me at some point. He also admits to dropping the Orb on my foot because I refused to take and how I tried to kick it down the hall.

“Explain.”

So I do. As best I can at any rate. I start talking and though I mostly try to explain it as best I can in a way she might understand (because how the hell do you explain video games in depth to people who don’t even have indoor plumbing?) I mostly just let it all go. 

I get frustrated sometimes.

She doesn’t like my words because they sound preposterous in places.

She switches the subject every so often so that I might trip up on my story. Jokes on her though: my brain switches subjects all the time.

We talk for hours. That is fucking exhausting! Have you ever talked for hours saying the same stuff over and over again? And this isn’t like oh we’ll have breaks for companionable silence talks this is being grilled for hours! I have never gotten in trouble with the law back home so I’ve never dealt with police interviews. But I’m pretty sure this is like that except I was in a comfy chair.

Monty Python.

Spanish Inquisition.

Anyhow, after a point I’ve found myself completely forgetting what I’ve told her so far and then I just stop talking all together. I’m very tired by the time she suggests we take a break. I have a feeling this is gonna turn into a common thing. Oh goodie! Time was already a problem trying to recall what happens or has happened in my life before this shit! Let’s double that problem. Add to the madness!

I leave the Chantry, walking around the sides of the building harvesting elfroot. This shit grows fast if you’re not careful but given how much elfroot potions and poultices are needed that’s a good thing. I’ve pretty much got ever spot memorized where you’ll find iron and elfroot in Haven. Not surprising if you think about how much fucking time I’ve spent around here.

Fun fact: I almost forgot how to harvest elfroot and nearly went to bother Adan for a reminder. Yeah. Like he doesn’t have enough to do, right? At some point I do need to go speak with him and maybe see if he has a book on herbalism I can borrow. Or knows where I can find one.

You’d think I would have done that or studied that shit last time but I did a lot of dying and after two years you forget shit you had convinced yourself was a dream.

Plus its hard to study subjects that don’t exist outside said realm of believed dreaming.

I need a nap so I head to my cabin after dumping a my small batch of collected plants into one of  Adan’s baskets. 

I really admire how he has everything set up.  

I don’t see Bald Bastard outside his cabin and I count that as just another day I can avoid dealing with him. He’s been very good at avoiding me. I don’t know if I’ve ended up somewhere he’s basically clueless about me or his memories got fucking wiped or what. But we haven’t made any exchanges since the Temple.

Ultimately I  _ will _ have to converse with him but I am a creature of procrastination. I tend to put off things until absolutely necessary. Or I’ve just lost all fucks to give and I’m pissed off. This trip through Thedas is ninety percent latter because I am sick to death of fucking dancing and side stepping. Let some other MCiT do that shit.  _ This is my story,  _ I quote Final Fantasy X/X-2 as I open my cabin door.

I stop in mid-step as I enter the building; my day instantly going shitty.

There is an Evanuris in my cabin.

Fuck.


	7. Chapter 7

I’m hardly in the mood to deal with his bubble butt, however I’m feel more than a little facetious. I look at him, he looks at me. I glance around the inside, take a step back outside and look up like I am examining the building. Nodding a few times as if I’ve decided something, I reenter the building and close the door behind me.

“Yup, this is definitely the right cabin,” I decree. “Although I don’t believe anyone let me know that I was expecting company. Are we trading buildings or are you here to snoop?”

He doesn’t like my cavalier attitude towards him. I can see it in just the tiniest glint in his eyes. But he keeps the mask of indifference in place.

“Neither,” is his response. “I came to check on the Mark and see how you were feeling.”

“Uh-huh.” I hum the words in a way that shows my obvious disbelief in his explanation. I remove my very nice gloves and place them on the table near the door. I head farther into the room, heading for my bed. “I barely feel it for the most part since I woke up and if it weren’t for the fact it makes such pretty glowing when I take my boots off, I’d easily forget it was there.”

“I see. Might I examine it?”

I shrug nonchalantly before sitting my booty on the bed and removing my boots. He drags a seat up close to the side of the bed. I remove my socks and Solas slides his hand over my ankle. His fingers on my skin feel quite nice, I will admit. But doesn’t bring the feeling of butterflies or raging hormones. It’s just pleasant.

I forgot I was ticklish. Piss your pants if I’m not careful ticklish.

A whining moan mixed with laughter and he looked up at me. “Sorry,” I whimper.

“Ah,” he responds, realization in his features. Solas takes a little more care in his work then and despite how much I don’t like him, I appreciate his actions in this regard.

He is silent as he concentrates:both with maneuvering my foot so I don’t kick if he tickles me and his scanning of the mark’s magic. His magic that has branded itself into my being. He mumbles the word “interesting” so softly that I can barely hear him.

“It’s fused into me,” I state and he looks up.

“Yes, and I do not see a way that it can be removed without taking half of your leg with it.”

I cast my eyes skyward. “That’s what I thought.” I sigh and then look back at him. “May I ask you something?”

He nodded.

“How many memories of Arlathan have lasted in the Fade? Because the ancient elves had to have serious technological advancements people can only imagine, right?”

I did not just chicken out confronting him. I just do not feel like opening that basket of snakes.

“The memories are few but what remains is powerful,” he agreed. I can’t tell if he’s on alert or what.

“So this is going to sound really weird but: did the ancients have clothes that cleaned themselves? Stain and grime resisting fabrics woven with magic?”

I keep my face as innocent looking as possible while Solas just stares at me, shocked. I mean let’s face it: I just asked about laundry and textiles instead of something “important” regarding a lost empire. But I honestly am curious if those things existed way back then! My mind’s weird, dammit! Leave me alone!

I can see the Solas disapproves just blaring in the air as he releases my leg. “Your foot is fine and I do not believe the Mark has further damaged the limb.” He gets up to leave and I watch him walk to the door.

“I was being serious,” I insist as he opens the door. “Knowing the conceivably mundane things-”

He slams the door behind him like a fucking child and I scrunch my face up. I flip the double bird at the door with an “asshole” leaving my lips.

So yeah, I could have easily confronted him right then and there about how he’s the Dread Wolf, plans for rebooting the world, yada-yada-ya. But I didn’t. Let me tell you why.

Number one: I am not in the mood to see if I still do the respawn trick I had last time.

Number two: I’ve already given him hints that I know he is responsible for all this shit that’s gone down and I am still waiting to see what his reaction is ultimately going to be before I full on confront him.

And number three: If I full on confront him right now and he takes off, we’re going to have a lot more problems on our hands. This is pretty much the only time I feel like I need to try and be careful. Because he’s the only fucker who knows where Skyhold is and we need that fortress. Any other event, I’m ninety-nine percent sure I’m going to say “fuck it! I will do what I want.”

I hope I’m not disappointing anyone.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can guarantee I misspelled names but I suck right now. Sorry. Also next chapter has a question for you guys so stay tuned.

After a couple more days of sitting with Leliana with increasing levels of boring recounting of every little detail of the plot I could tell her, I guess she clears me to officially meet the rest of the heads of the Inquisition. I don’t know what the hell she’s told them. I don’t know what the hell to expect.

Well I kind of know what to expect but you never really know do you?

“Has it been troubling you?” Cassandra asks as we head towards the war room.

I smirk. “Only when I’m trying to get some sleep,” I reply honestly. “It’s very distracting to see a green light beneath your blankets when you’re half awake.”

“But it has not been giving you pain?”

She looks actually concerned about me when she asks and it feels good. I shake my ead and she smiles. “That is good. It is important that you are feeling in top shape for the work ahead.”

Now I feel kind of disappointed but I shrug it off. Friendships aren’t made that quick, I suppose, and right now I suppose I’m merely a giant tool.

Cassandra continues, “We have ideas how to close the Breach and Solas believes providing the it with more power may be the key.”

“Oh goodie! I always enjoy getting foreign shit shoved inside me,” I declare sarcastically. “I’m sure nothing bad will happen at all!”

“Keep hold of that sense of humor,” Cassandra stated and we entered the room. There they were: Cullen, Josephine, and Leliana. All three standing on the opposite side of the table, waiting for me.

Joy of joys.

You know, I didn’t think of this last time I stood in this room during the introductions (and if you read my first trip the tulips in this place, you know why) but I just now realized I have consumed extensive amounts of pornographic materials involving everyone in this room. 

And I’m okay with that.

“Pleased to meet you all. Again. So let’s see. You want me to get help from the Mages,” I point to Leliana, “and you,” move my finger to Cullen, “want me to petition the Templars for help. But we can’t get either Organization to help us because we don’t have enough influence. How’m I doing?”

“Very well,” Leliana complimented.

“The Chantry is denouncing us and you in particular,” Josephine confirms.

“I told you so,” I sing to Leliana and Cassandra.

Cassandra remarks about it being Chancellor Roderick’s doing while Cullen asks me how I feel about my new title. I flash him a sharp smile. “I’d sooner believe someone would willingly have sex with me multiple times of their own volition than believe I’m sent by Andraste herself.”

Suddenly everyone is looking uncomfortable at that declaration and I’m just standing there not giving a shit. Good times.

“A chantry mother by the-”

“Yeah yeah, I know. Mother Giselle of Jader is in the Hinterlands helping refugees and she wants to speak to me,” I say staring down at the map in front of me. “She’ll be useful in getting us names to those who might be willing to listen to us in Val Royeaux. I’ll go talk to her. Somebody is gonna have to teach me how to pack a bag for travelling though. I don’t know jack shit.”

“I’ll see if I can get someone to assist you,” Josephine promised as she scribbled something down on her board.

“In the meantime see what else you can do to expand our influence,” Cullen says. 

I give him a mock salute. “Aye-Aye, General. I’ll bring you back something pretty.”

Cullen is not amused with my attitude either. Yeah, too bad. I figure I’m not romancing anyone or will be romanced so who gives a fuck?

Meeting was pretty much adjourned after that - at least any parts they needed me for. So I took that opportunity to leave the Chantry and go resource hunting. Make sure Harrit and Adan have plenty of normal supplies before I leave. I’m waiting for them to get mad and tell me to stop.

I had a nice conversation the other day with Segritt. I kept waiting for him to call Lisandra knife-ear so I could kick him in the knee. He didn’t. Just called her girl instead.

Anyone else happy bout that? I was.

I figured it would be a waste to talk to Threnn about getting me some crochet hooks and yarn since it would be for my personal use. Segrit had a nice big couple of yarn spools but no hooks. I asked him how much a pair would run for and he said he had a basic pair for 25 gold.

“That’s probably pretty expensive,” I grumble.

“Given how you won’t find anyone else able to get you what you’re asking for, that’s pretty cheap,” he replied smugly.

Yeah, my happiness level with him just dropped.

“And here I was just starting to like you.”

I sigh, going into the little coin purse I’d cut off one of the bodies of the dead when we were going to seal the Breach for the first time. I had about 800 gold because not only had I gathered that much from looting the corpses during Wrath of Heaven, but someone (and I still don’t know who) has been slipping me 10 gold coins underneath my pillow. I keep finding it when I wake up like I’ve been visited by the tooth fairy but they ain’t taking my teeth..

I also purchase some yarn and a few toiletries from him. He thanks me for my purchase and when I reach to take them to my cabin he stops me. “That’s too much for you to carry on your own, Your Worship,” he states. “I’ll have it delivered to your cabin. Don’t you worry about it.”

“Should I give you money for a delivery fee then?” I question.

“Well now that you mention it,” Segrit says and I go to get my coin purse. His eyes widen just a fraction. “That was a joke,” he insists.

“Oh.” Awkward. “Then I’ll take my leave. Thank you Segrit.”

I turn on my heel and walk off to go outside Haven’s gates when I remember something. I face him again. “I have a question.”

“Alright.”

“How difficult would it be to get some juice shipped here? I don’t think Flissa has anything nonalcoholic in the bar minus water.”

He purses his lips as his eyes look up thoughtfully. “That depends on which kinds you want. Right now the most common juice we could get in would be apple cider but it’ll take me a couple of weeks to get that in.”

“How much?”

He gives me a price and I grimace. “I hope that’s not per jug.”

The man assures me I’m paying for a standard cask. When I ask the size of a standard cask, he measured to about the height of his waist.

“Okay, that makes me less nervous,” I assure him. “I’ll give you half now and then half when it arrives. And if you manage to get more than one cask in let me know.”

“Will do, Your Worship.”

“That’s gonna be really weird to get used to.”

“I’m sure a noble born lady like yourself will get used to it.”

“I’m not noble born,” I tell him as I hand him part of the fee for my juice order. “I’m a nobody except for the mark on my foot.”

He obviously doesn’t believe me but I can’t help that and I leave. 

 


	9. Chapter 9

I don’t sleep well in Thedas. Or, to be more precise, I don’t fall asleep with ease. Once I’m finally asleep, it’s normal business. I honestly can see no difference in my dreams from home and those here. I don’t know if I’m not reaching the Fade or it’s a quirk of being an Earthling but my dreams are normal.

My problem however is that I need music or youtube videos or something playing in the background. The wind with the noises outside and fire crackling in the fireplace helped. For a time.

But as my days and nights progressed, slipping into dreamland was getting harder.

To make matters worse, whatever magic I had had before isn’t here anymore so my trying to summon songs like I’d done that one time where Varric had come to invite me for drinks ended up failing hard.

I can only do so many walkarounds Haven in the dark. My night vision has never been good and despite the twin moons providing good lighting for the most part, it’s still very hard to see. So after one or two rounds I have to head back into my cabin. I’ve tried reading books but all the ones around here are just… boring. And not even boring enough to put me to sleep. They are boring and make me agitated. Frustration is not conducive to sleep. So I’m up even later because I’m pissed off with the books.

I should ask Varric for a copy of Swords and Shields or Hard in Hightown. Maybe those will provide me with better reading.

My crochet helps. A little. But my hands start cramping after a while. So I have insomnia and cramping hands.

I need my computer. Or an Ipod or MP3 player containing all my music and copies of the Goon Show. 

I’m so on edge from sleeplessness, I lose my patience during another session with Leliana who for some fucking reason still keeps “asking” me to come in and tell her what I know.

“We’ve done this for over a fucking week!” I scream at her, tired of trying to explain again what we will find in the Hinterlands. I’m pacing the floor because the damn chair provides me no comfort. “I’m tired of repeating myself!”

“I require information and you’re the only one who knows what’s going on,” Leliana says to me evenly.

“I’m fucking losing my mind telling you this over and over again! You should have this memorized by now!”

“We need to know everything-”

“I’ve told you every fucking thing I know!” I shriek before grabbing the wing backed chair and trying to hurl it at the wall. In the back of my mind, I know what is going on. I’ve become so tired and stressed from lack of sleep, I’m having a violent manic episode. But I’m at the point that mentally I can’t stop myself from acting on impulse.

Leliana has to call the guards when she can’t stop me from rampaging and I’m soon being held down on the stone floor by two very large men. I’m having flashbacks to the times when I’d had to go into mental hospitals. I struggle and scream; snot, phlegm, and tears are running out of my facial orifices. I spout curses and lots of things I later will not remember exactly what I’m saying specifically but I know they were probably really fucking bad.

I pass out during my fit. I don’t know how. Maybe someone cast a sleep spell on me or something. All I know is I wake up feeling sore and like shit. 

I’m laying on one of the beds of the room Leliana has been interviewing me in with a cool compress on my forehead. My mouth tastes funny and my eyes feel puffy. My body still feels like I’m pressed against the floor when I try to move. As I think about what’s transpired, humiliation of having lost control of myself makes me want to start bawling like a baby.

“Hush, girl,” a very familiar voice tells me. “Your tears of self-pity will only serve to exhaust you more.”

Surprise overrides my sorrow and blink, wiping the moisture from my eyes. “Flemeth?”

“Forgot my full name already have you?” the witch jokes and walks over to my bedside. “You’ve been busy.”

“Am I in the Fade zone?”

She laughs. “As if I’d pick so drab a place to converse with you as this. You are still in Haven.”

“What the hell are you doing here?” I lower my voice to a worried hiss as I try to sit up. It’s rather painful but I manage to do it. I don’t want raise my voice very much because how the hell do you explain this?

“Checking on an investment,” she answers simply.

I shot her a look of disbelief and sputter, “Checking on-! You’re not supposed to be here!”

“And you were never to return to Thedas when the Elder Gods got bored of your first travelling tale. Yet here you are, back in this role of power. I can’t tell if you’re better or worse this time. I suppose it remains to be seen.”

“Given how I just lost my mind and had to be restrained, I’m guessing worse.”

She chuckled, gloved hand patting mine sympathetic. “Still looking out and seeing darkness, girl? I’d hoped that might have changed.”

“I’m in the come down depressed portion of my breakdown. This is normal.”

“Well for what it’s worth things should perk up soon.”

“I’m going to the Hinterlands. How the hell do you think things are going to pick up?”

I stare at her and she laughs. “All in good time,” she tells me and I sigh in frustration.

“Tell me one thing.”

She tilts her head and I rub my face. I’m getting tired again. “Do I have any idea what this world’s backstory is? Am I in the custom world backstory I left in Dragon Age Keep for new games?”

“The Dwarven male noble who fathered my grandson?” Flemeth questions. “Perhaps. Ultimately it matters not what choices you made back on Earth in the Keep, Child. Here is what matters. This is where you need to concentrate.”

I sigh tiredly and fall back onto the bed in frustration. “It’s like trying to get a straight answer out of a politician.”

She laughs and I close my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so my question is: should I eventually dabble in a romance? I don't know how to do a poll but I thought I would at least ask you guys your thoughts on if you would be interested in seeing me romance someone.


	10. Chapter 10

I wake up the next morning in my cabin, feeling rested for the first time in a while. Too bad that is tainted with the knowledge I had a violent psychotic outburst and had to be restrained and held down.

I am sullen and quiet, eating from the tray of food someone has left for me. There’s a note on the tray written in flowing script:

> _ Tomorrow you leave for the Hinterlands and the journey will be arduous. Your travel bags have been packed and will be delivered to the horses in the morning so there is no need for you to worry. Spend the remainder of today resting. _

I take in a deep breath and exhale. I don’t want to hide out in my cabin but I honestly think it would be best if I stayed to myself today as the note suggests. I spend the majority of my time working on my crochet. I hate the fact I can’t take this with me but there’s little chance I can work with it on the road. And though I get a weird inspirational idea to try and make a crochet while walking contraption, I file it away under “ideas that might work but are probably stupid.” I find myself wondering if the council has been or is able to send food and supplies to the refugees or if the fightings there combined with this fledgling organization has made it impossible. I wonder how many rifts there are going to be getting to the Hinterlands. How many demons are we going to have to battle that we never saw in the game because fast travel isn’t available? 

Lisandra brings me dinner and I thank her with a soft smile. She seems far less nervous around me than she was initially, but the fragile friendship we’d had years ago on my first trip in this world is gone. This adds to my melancholy. 

I am nervous about tomorrow. The Hinterlands are about three to five days journey from here. I’ve never walked that far. I also have not camped in years and when I did, I had modern tents and items to use. I worry about being able to keep up and how everyone will react when I don’t.

My attempt to relax day proves to be anything but relaxing as I am constantly harassed by negative thoughts while I try to just stay in one place and crochet.

Once again, I mourn the lack of multimedia to help take off that secondary restless edge I have that helps keep me calm. The lack of my preferred brand of soothing background or white noise keeps me on edge. 

I find it hard to sleep but I finally do after what feels like an eternity lying in my bed.

I had a dream I was back home, lying on the makeshift pit couch that is my bed. My sister was using a shaved ice machine as a blender.

Weird.

It’s daylight when Lisandra wakes me up, concern in her voice because I’ve apparently overslept and Cassandra is getting impatient. “Cassandra can go hump a nug,” I grumble irritated and Lisandra’s eyes widen as her lips twitch. I feel a little less moody knowing she got some kind of amusement out of that. She helps me get ready by braiding the long parts my hair. I make a mental note I need to shave the sides and undercut again.

“My Lady?” I look up as I’m putting on my regular clothes. Lisandra fidgets nervously. “Shouldn’t you be wearing armor instead? It’s dangerous on the roads.”

Well fuck. She has a point. But the only armor I have available is the Nightingale set. And I have not as of yet tried putting it on. Nobody at any point told me to go see Harritt for any other armor sets. The few times I did go to see our resident mastersmith were of my own volition when I wanted to watch the smiths work their magic. I’m pretty sure he knows who I am but he never talks to me. Actually nobody ever talks to me. Not really.

Sorry. Got off track.

Armor. 

Protection during travelling.

Fuck.

As nervous as I am putting on that Nightingale armor (for obvious plus size girl in skin tight leather reasons), I don’t have anything else. So I pull out the set from the special deliveries crate and Lisandra helps me into it. You never know how much you missed zippers until all you have to work with is buckles, buttons, and laces. I wonder if the dwarves have invented anything like them? Definitely have to look into that.

I am surprised with how I feel once I’m finished dressing. My words are failing me but I think the best way to describe it is:I feel secure but not suffocated. It is tight on me but not uncomfortably so. I don’t know how long that will last since I’m going to spend freaking hours even days wearing it. But for now I am comfy.

Cassandra about busts down my door in her impatience and I shoot her a dirty look. “We just now figured out how to get me in this armor!” I declare. “Some of us never wore this shit before in their life! I fucking couldn’t sleep until a few hours ago. I had a violent psychotic less than forty eight hours ago  **and** I’m heading into a war zone with little combat experience and no ability to fight or magic! So I apologize for taking so long, Seeker Pentaghast.”

The very large and strong woman who could easily kill me seems to process my words. Several emotions are expressed before she sighs.

I like Cassandra. If it doesn’t seem like it, I apologize for giving anyone that impression. But I do like her. She is a good person, bad assed warrior, and fiercely loyal friend. But right now I am lost and stressed and I have lost what little control I owned.

“I’m ready to go now,” I confirm and with a final thank you to Lisandra, I accompany Cassandra to where Varric and Solas are waiting. We got one horse carrying our supplies so walking to the Hinterlands it is! 

Several people are staring at me even more than normal. I own it up to the body hugging leather armor I’m wearing. Fuck, now I’m feeling self conscious! I draw the hood of my cape a little more over my head.

“Good to see you,” Varric greeted cheerfully. “Thought we were going to have to leave without you.” 

I make a genuine apology, not the anger tinged one I gave Cassandra earlier. “Hard time getting ready,” I say as an excuse. More eyes add to the examining of my outfit. Varric comments, “If that armor protects as good as it looks then you’re forgiven.”

I nod and after a few more minutes, we begin our trek to the Hinterlands.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anybody catches me switching tenses, I apologize. I have trouble recognizing time.

I think this Nightingale armor is enchanted.

And not the normal way the set is supposed to be.

I mean this trip on foot is supposed to take (according to unofficial sources) I think it was 3 days horseback or 5 days on foot. Plus because I’m not in the same physical shape as say Cassandra and used to strenuous activities, I was going to give it a week. I’m expecting blisters on my feet from walking and pain in my back from sleeping on the ground.

That doesn’t happen.

I can barely remember even doing the travelling and camping! We had no opposition on the roadways, no rifts. It’s a very strange blur.

And I’m looking a gift horse in the mouth by questioning it, I know. But seriously: what the fuck?!

All Cassandra has to say is we made excellent time.

Varric is pleased we finally have reached the first campsite where Scout Harding greets us.

Solas says nothing.

Meanwhile I’m just like “Is no one else noticing this?!”

Anyhow we get down to the crossroads and I’m more than a little nervous because I still can’t fight worth a fucking damn. At least when I had magic, I had something to work with! Somebody needs to explain that to me. How did I lose my magic but it didn’t come back when I did? Can I get it back? I didn’t really get to do a lot with it aside from mastering a refresh spell. But then again I didn’t even make it to the Hinterlands before Sheogorath sent me back home.

Do I need to pray?

Is that how I can open conversation pathways?

I get into the fighting zone, mages and templars duking it out while civilians are caught in the middle. Chaos is everywhere. My stomach knots up because of what surrounds me and I’m probably going to throw up after all this.

I stand back, letting the actual people who can fight do it. I have trouble focusing and arrows are whizzing past me. I don’t know what the fuck to do!

I hear the battle cry of a Templar behind me. Like right behind me! I turn around and he’s a huge mofo! He comes barreling down the hill towards me; I’m standing like a dumbass in his path. I can’t move my body to get out of the way so I’m pretty much dead. Nobody is close enough to shield me; hell I don’t think any of my allies are able to see me with everything that’s going on.

I am very sure that I am about to die.

Until hulking templar man rushes right past me like I’m not even there.

Welcome to another moment of “What the SHIT?!”

I snap out of my confusion as I see one of our soldiers get hit and run to drag him behind some cover. I can at least do that! Holy hell.

So yeah. That was how I spent the battle at the Crossroads: helping soldiers get undercover, trying not to get shot, and basically being useless.

Good times.

Mother Giselle’s French - sorry! _Orlesian_ accent is even more pronounced than in the game so more than a part of me was having a bit of difficulty understanding what she said. Luckily I have watched and participated in that cutscene enough times I was able to fake it well enough.

Now I gotta try and help around here.

This could take a bit.


	12. Chapter 12

I swear the fucking demons are zeroing in on me like I’ve got some kind of specific pheromone to attract them. No other member of my party is targeted when we go to seal the rifts. It is beginning to piss me off.

This isn’t me being dramatic either. Varric mentions it.

“The mark could be acting like a beacon to the spirits driven mad,” Solas theorizes. “Perhaps drawing them into thinking they can escape back to the Fade.”

Well doesn’t that make me feel special?

My thoughts are filled with grumbling curses about Elvhen and Elder Gods as I gather up elfroot and other resources scattered around the areas we travel. The weirdness doesn’t end there though. As some kind of polar opposite, humanoid enemies (bandits, templars, mages etc) don’t see me at all. I honestly scream “What am I: fucking invisible?” out loud during a skirmish and none of the enemies take note.

I don’t know why I got mad that the fuckers didn’t see me, but I did.

Now I’ve started throwing shit (not literal shit, stop that) at them while they’re attacking my companions. Best part is the confusion it causes. I am seriously tempted to invade a bandit or enemy group and see what kind of havok I can cause.

Unfortunately the glare Cassandra gave me at that suggestion booted it out the window. Sucks really. I have some serious visions in my head of making people start fighting like out of some cartoon. Another sigh of disappointment escapes me. 

Also the god damn rams are heavy as hell. I have carted more than one of these shits back to the Crossroads and I had an argument with the Hunter before I agreed we brought back more of them. I wasn’t going to let people go hungry but using all those things for like chops and stuff when you can get more mileage with a good stew isn’t hard to figure out. As an adult, times have been hard for me and my sis. I’ve unfortunately had to depend on things like food stamps and the food bank to get by some months. I’ve learned how to make dishes that last for more than one meal.

My argument apparently didn’t have much weight initially given how he eyed me as I was pleading my case.

Varric is the one who helped convince Mister Hunter to go with my suggestion. Smooth talking son of a gun; the man’s a crown jewel.

Let’s see… what else?

Astrariums are fun. I hope I can recall how to properly connect the dots on all of them but the ones here in the H-lands are easy-peasy lemon squeezy.

I honestly don’t want to leave the Hinterlands before we get the horses from Dennet. Fuck if I’ll be able to ride one, but the Inquisition needs horses. Badly. The watch towers are an easy enough tasks: marked positions on a map sent via crow to Leliana with me instructing us to use Inquisition soldiers aka Cullen’s men. The wolves possessed are another issue.

I don’t want to fight them. Not out of some love for wolves as a species but because they honestly don’t know what they are doing. Right now they’re fucking mindless drones being ordered about by a terror demon. Avoiding demons is one thing but I’m going to have every one of those canines on my ass and wolves are fast predators. Plus they run off once you finish off the demon so fighting them is avoidable. To a point.

It’s times like this I wish I had a stave or something that fired sleep bolts. Point and shoot at the wolves and puppies be out cold.

Solas suggests a contingent of Cullen’s men sent to deal with the wolves and though I am tempted to do it ourselves, I don’t want to put the others in danger. So once more we send soldiers to do a side quest that I could have easily managed to do in game and if I had fucking magic to fight with or just any half decent level of combat. It’s annoying and I feel useless.

We got more than a few rifts closed but the one on the pathway leading to Druffy the druffalo with the Despair and Greater Terror demons? We’re going to need more than Cass, Varric, and Solas. We’re going to need one more warrior and another mage.

Fucking christ this is difficult.


	13. Chapter 13

I’m sick of this bullshit.

I can’t fight.

I can’t use magic.

I’m being constantly targeted by demons while humanoid targets just ignore me completely.

Okay that last part doesn’t bother me as much because it makes dealing with people easier but that doesn’t matter when you’re running around like a fucking nutcase while the wraiths are firing and moving towards you.

I’m currently resting in the widow’s farmhouse, dealing with burns from several blasts because the 10 or however many there were congregating at the rift outside her place decided to play “Shoot the Herald”.

And they were VERY FUCKING accurate.

I can’t distinguish if the tears I’m fighting are more anger with the situation or pain but I’m sick and tired.

I’m also bored with nothing to do but lay here and heal. Kathleen is not a good person when she is forced to lay and do nothing. She gets irritable and cranky. And has trouble staying still.

I also tend to talk out loud.

With no filter.

That’s very dangerous if someone had say a sense of will to live or gave two shits on their survival

Me?

Nope.

“I wanna rip my marked leg off and beat you over the head with it,” I tell Solas as he tries to treat my injuries which are showing surprising resistance to healing magic. He looks at me with that god damn mask of his in perfect place but I can see the glimmer of concern and something else in those violet eyes of his. “It’s your fault I have this shitty thing and all this happened! No matter how shitty this world is, you honestly think bringing back Elvhenan and tearing down the Veil is the answer? You’re a fucking idiot. Both you and Corypheus.”

I let out a pain wracked sob; not from his treatment but from the pain and emotional turbulence this trip in Thedas has given me.

Solas says nothing and I am ignorant of how he is processing my words. I offhandedly wonder if he will kill me like before. Or disappear. Or maybe he won’t do shit. Who knows?

Oh. He chose the kill me route. My wounds begin to quickly fester and burn and I start screaming. Or I try to. That bald fucking egg silenced me! Oh that hurt… fucking Christ it hurt. Worse than when I was tortured, I do not know.

No one will know this pain. I want to inflict it on him. As I slip into blackness, I see a shadow materialize behind him and he jerks forward. I like to think someone impaled something into his back and killed him as he was killing me.

I won’t know though. I’m not allowed to.

That’s no joke.

Sheogorath and the others refuse to tell me what the fuck happened as I lay being eaten alive by entropy magic. I like to think they’re just trying to process the furious screaming I inflicted upon them when I “woke up”.

“Calm down, Lass! Everything’s going t’be fine now!” the God of madness declares in a poor attempt to placate me.

“FINE?! Everything is going to be FINE?!” I howl. I look for something to throw at him. “NOTHING is going to be fine while I’m stuck in this god damn video game because you get so much joy outta watching me! And WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MAGIC?!”

“We had a bit of a problem when you reintegrated into the world, is all!” he tells me and I stomp over to him and push his chair backwards. I am not thinking clearly but that doesn’t seem to matter because he teleports over to the other side of the room while I trash this large wing back chair he enjoys.

I have the greatest uninhibited, unrestrained violent tantrum I have ever had.

My feeling of satisfaction of the destruction is short lived because fucker just resets everything to its former tidiness. 

“I am deleting and never touching another Elder Scrolls game as long as I live,” I swear.

“Well that just hurts,” Sheogorath says. “What about Dragon Age?”

“Oh I’ll still play the shit out of them. You guys have made me hate Elder Scrolls series and you. Maybe I’ll start a habit of destroying everything Elder Scrolls I see… Repay you for all the joy I’ve had thanks to you guys putting me in this position you have!”

“It’s not been that bad surely,” Sheogorath proclaims and I glare at him.

“Why don’t you go through it all as me with all I’ve felt - every bit including that of my previous trip here and then say that to me. Go experience my pain and anger and fear, you fucking asshole! I’ll sit here and wait!”

And that’s what I’m doing right now. Waiting as the Daedric Prince of Madness goes and experiences all that shit I’ve been put through since he contacted me to begin with.

Oh he’s back!

Um… he doesn’t look well.

His jovial manner is gone. There is no smile on his face.

Oh dear. I think I might have underestimated just how bad that was going to go.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of wallowing in self pity towards the end. Sorry.

How to break a Daedric Prince:

  1. Experience horrific amounts of torture, coupled with massive amounts of physical and emotional pain.
  2. Be forced to relive situations over and over again.
  3. After a set amount of time, challenge Daedric Prince/Elder God to experience all that you have in a every single minute detail as you.
  4. Profit.



Not exactly a decent recipe but that’s the only way I can explain what the hell has gone on. I have not been sent back, either to my life on Earth or to the starting point of my Theodosian journey. Instead I have been sitting in his space, wasting time by playing a variety of video games from different eras. He even supplied cheat devices, color me surprised.

Not the only thing near me either.

He has arranged a bunch of my favorite food items within easy reach for consumption. I think my favorite so far might be a cheesecake in the shape of a nug. And because this realm is magic, the cold items stay cold and the hot items stay hot.

Good thing too because Burger King Whoppers are not as tasty when cold.

I know this because I have had one cold before and it was not nice.

So I’m snacking on a soft taco supreme, killing NMCs with a submachine gun in Parasite Eve 2, when Sheogorath comes back. And by the look on his face, he’s had some kind of epiphany or something because he’s back to smiling.

“All right, Lass! I think we’ve discovered a fix to your problem!”

He makes the console disappear just as I was about to put down the Burner Boss. I let out a whimper which he ignores before turning to give him my attention.

“Are you finally going to send me home and we can never speak about this again? In fact we’ll just purge it entirely from my memories as ever happening?”

“Don’t be silly!” he laughs. “That would be the easy way of doing it!”

I look up to the ceiling with my lips pressed tightly together in some silent plea.

“No, no! What we’re going to do is give you powers and a couple of other boons! Then you can finally experience your own adventure in the most fantastic way possible!”

Oh I had a feeling I was going to regret this.

He sits in his chair and looks at me, holding a mug of something in front of him. “It’ll be perfect! Forget the problems you’ve had before! This time it will work perfectly!” He took a long drink. I will ignore for the moment he keeps using the word perfectly so often.

“This is going to end badly. Again. You just keep me doing the same damn thing-”

“Ah-ah-ah! Not this time! This time me and other have figured out how to do it just right! ANd you’ll love it because it’s exactly the way you’d do things if you were in charge,” he explains before taking another long drink from his tankard.

I’m very quiet as I try to figure out what he means. Personally right now, the only way I can see me getting through this shit so I can finally get home is giving me the power of a member of the Continuum from Star Trek and making my body permanently god mode invincible. I choose God Mode invincible as opposed to being ultra healing like say Deadpool’s because I’d be immune to all freaking damage, poison, and so on. If I had Deadpool body, I would still be vulnerable. And I’m tired of being god damned vulnerable.

“Well good because it’s turning into a major issue as well,” Sheogorath agrees. I blink before shooting him a dirty look. My mind is my private place! Stay out!

“It’s easy enough to talk to you like this so don’t be too put out, Lass! Besides you’re getting exactly what you just thought up! Congratulations!”

I hear a couple of celebration horn sound effects and suddenly I have confetti showering on me. I dust it off my head as he makes his signature laugh.

“There’s no way you alone can grant that big a gift,” I countered. “You pretty much could barely work things properly when we started this!”

“Ah, but things are different! I managed to get a couple of the others to co-op this! It’ll work flawlessly and without any more issues!”

Issues? Like accidentally fucking up people’s personalities?

“Exactly! I’ve got it under good authority that this will correct and minimize any unscripted behaviours if the veer too off course. Well the more negative behaviors, like murder or assault…”

“So no more fuck ups like say Dark Cullen?”

“Well I mean he might go Dom if you-”

No. No. No. Nope. I have too many bad memories to even think about real life me romancing him. I’ll stick to the fanfics and when I play the actual game.

“Well it was a thought anyhow,” Sheogorath sighs, taking another swig from his mug. “You do like the lad being all dominating. Possessive in a pleasant sort of way.”

“I will never trust him that much. Not after-”

I cut myself off and take a drink from my own tankard. Luckily none of the confetti had gotten into it. Ruin a perfectly good Mellow Yellow Peach that way.

It’s one hell of a thing, seeing a Daedric Prince give you a look of understanding mixed sympathy. Rather surreal actually.

“Well maybe someone else to romance then. You need a good love in your life.”

I’m not even gonna respond to that. I pretty much made a vow to give up on having any kind of sexual or romantic relationship once I hit thirty five years old and I’m thirty eight now. Dwindling sex drive, poor social skills, poorer economic standing, and being barely attractive nullified any viable candidates back home. Damn sure even being Inquisitor won’t really help those chances nor find a meaningful romance.

I feel messed up for some reason. Is my depression surfacing?

“I think I need my meds,” I say out loud before drinking more of my Mellow Yellow.


	15. Chapter 15

I woke up in the cabin and changes were already visible. Those beige pajamas were missing and instead a thick soft cotton nightshirt was on my body. Given the look of my leg and foot I’m not surprised. Pulsing neon lines of green danced along my skin from the top of my foot to mid calf but it did not hurt or even hum.

Looked really cool, but that was about it.

I could still feel the magic there but it was almost naturally a part of me now. I’d grown so accustomed to it - like wearing my glasses back home. Speaking of my glasses, I keep forgetting I haven’t had to wear them throughout every trip I’ve come to this place but when I get back home to my world I do need them? Still there. I guess any major changes would draw too many questions. Weight loss? Yeah it’s fine. Sudden permanent fixing of my eyesight? Far too risky.

Which I actually understand and don’t feel like bitching about. I end up getting weighed every 3 months roughly when I go see my meds doctor so I can make proper fucking excuses about weight loss. If anyone asks. Which they don’t really.

Oh well.

I keep my legs out in front of me admiring the pretty dancing light when Lisandra enters the cabin carrying the crate of supplies. I wince as she drops them on the floor, cringing in anticipation. My hands flexing out at the sound of breaking glass vials. I remember at one point I thought, I wish I could freeze time like Piper does to stop that shit from happening.

Oh wait. I can now.

As Lisandra apologizes with a nervous ramble, I will attempt to rewind time to the moment she enters the cabin.

It’s like a whoosh of air passing by as events reverse. I both witness this as an outsider watching from the sidelines while simultaneously feeling things go backwards. I am both a part and separate from all that is happening.

And it is so cool!

Lisandra enters and gasps in shock as she sees me, her hands releasing the crate. My hands reflexively shootout and time stops, the crate suspended in mid air. I breathe a deep sigh of relief before getting up, going over to the crate and grabbing it. I move it safely over to the table where its contents will remain blessedly unbroken and Lisandra can avoid getting into trouble. I then go back to my spot on the bed, return to the position I was on when she found me and then perform a little wave that signals the flow of time to resume.

It is **_so satisfying_ **!

Lisandra is too nervous to notice me thinks. She apologizes and prostrates herself in that same familiar way. I am coming to the conclusion there is no real way you can calm her down in this scene. The poor woman is scared shitless. I don’t feel like finding a way to stop that because I’m a firm believer in time might help so I just calmly speak to her and watch her run the hell out of the cabin.

I look over at the box of supplies, a slow boiling giddiness in my tummy. That was a hell of a thing. I wonder if I can summon a breakfast of my choice?

After an hour of devouring what might be the greatest breakfast I have had in years, I get up to get dressed. My outfit from previously (tunic, comfy leggings, ultra chic boots) is available and I am a happy girl. I made sure to wash my face using the cloth and washbasin so that I don’t have any blueberry syrup lingering and poofed away my dishes so that no one was forced to clean up my mess.

I’m going to like these powers a whole lot!

I make my way to the Chantry, doing my best to ignore the massive amount of people congregated outside. Severe panic attack inducing if I take too much notice of them. I wonder if I’m going to miss hearing Roderick and Cassandra arguing but nope: I can hear them practically from the front door of the Chantry when I step foot inside.

Is it just me or do they get louder every time I do this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been sick. SIcker than any year previous with my heat sensitivity boosted to an all time high. I've been drowning my woes in Persona 5 and trying to get back into drawing so that I can eventually take commissions to make some money to improve my situation. Life just enjoys piling on top of me and I can't stand it.  
> I have to go back and play Dragon Age Inquisition all over again.  
> Gimme my cold weather back so I can be productive!


	16. Chapter 16

“You know they can hear you yelling outside?” I ask the occupants of the council room when I enter the room. “It’s amazing!”

Roderick of course orders me to be put in chains and Cassandra overrides that order. The soldiers leave and he tries chastising Cassandra. I’m not having that shit again. 

“Do you ever get tired of being wrong or is this some kind of kink for you?” I ask. He looks at me with contempt on his face that I ignore. “And you can shut your mouth and stop acting like you’re the leader around here. That’s the Left and Right Hands of the Divine your little bureaucratic keister was ordering around earlier. Both of which had more power than you did when the Divine was alive and were willing to risk their lives on gamble that the Breach could be stopped - WHICH I remind you is now stabilized and no longer spitting demons and fade debris out!”

He’s getting all red in the face again and opens his mouth to say something. I shoot him a warning look. “Don’t make me slap you,” I warn with a slight twist of my head. “ _ You _ said for everyone to give up and just wait for the end.  _ You _ said it was hopeless and nothing could be done.  _ You _ tried to have me put in chains and taken to Val Royeaux for execution while the entire world was in chaos.  _ You _ don’t know anything about what went down there and frankly I have zero respect for you because you haven’t proven to me you’re worth respecting. Now here’s what’s gonna happen. You’ve got two choices to make. Either you can stay and help or you can eggs-” I pause trying to pronounce the word. “Egsasper - fuck! Exacerbate the situation and I’ll force you to tell Leliana where the path for the Summer Pilgrimage is before teleporting your ass somewhere randomly where we may never hear from you again.”

I cross my arms in front of my chest and stare at him with the most intimidating look I have in my arsenal.

Shockingly it works. Do not ask me how that happened because I am drawing a blank. I am not an intimidating person and yet my look was enough to stop Roderick from saying anything else. He does however wave his hands over his head with grunt of frustration as he leaves.

I turn my attention onto Cassandra and Leliana.

“Now there’s a lot do, lot going on, and I’m pretty much useless right now to you. I’ll work with you where I can but I honestly don’t have much I can bring to the table of your group aside from my foot and it’s handy dandy ability to close rifts. Oh and my knowledge of what’s going down, or should be going on. I never know anymore if I’m on the right page of events. Hell I just managed to get Roderick to leave and that was supposed to be your job to piss him off.” I look at Cassandra.

Leliana is staring at me with that silent calculating assessment of hers. That reminds me…

“You got an agent named Butler who is going to betray you, the Inquisition, whichever. I don’t know which one,” I tell her, jerking my head to the side as I remember the details that I knew. “You might want to get on that. But don’t kill him. You need to stand by your ideals right now because if you don’t stand by them in these most crucial of times, then they’re meaningless. Come on and chat with me if you ever feel like you need an ear. I suck at listening but I try. Let me know when Commander Cull-All-Mages shows up as well as Lady Josephine? We can all chat more then. If you need me, I’ll be in my cabin or wandering around Haven and taking in the geography. I wanna go see what a nug looks like in person.”

And then I left. They’re probably completely confused. Or aggravated. Either I got that cutscene done and over with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god damned miracle happened. I actually managed to finish this and it was really difficult. Which is surprising given how short this is. But it's here. I didn't give up. Things aren't good but they are okay. I just wish I could raise money to build a computer so I could game. But for now, I'm going to be patient and hopefully get more writing done.


	17. Chapter 17

You know, people rarely talk about the smell of Haven when they’re in my particular situation.

There’s a reason for it.

The smell is particularly harsh the larger more… crowded the areas are. Sure we got some nice smells that dangle a bit. The morning carries pleasant odors that get lost as the day goes on. They get replaced. And it doesn’t help that the odd wind will blow the stank from the potty facilities (yes, I called them potty facilities. Stop judging me!) in my direction or I’ll smell vomit coming from somewhere. Makes me want to vomit too.

Odd bit of a opener to come back to isn’t it?

But yeah. Haven smells.

It takes about 3 days before the official meet and greet happens between me and the rest of my council. I spend most of that time dicking around: picking up the natural resources of iron and elfroot, deciding not to try my hand at hunting animals because I do not possess those skills, the normal stuff.

There’s also been a distinct lack of effort on Leliana’s part ot question me about events which puts me on edge. You’d think she’d at least try to ask me some questions. Guess she might be busy with the hint I gave her about Butler and his betrayal.

I don’t have to sleep at night cause I’ve not felt tired but I still do it. My bed is rather cozy and I don’t exactly have youtube or video games to keep me occupied. No one has been a visiting my dreams so far as I can tell but then again it’s also been bereft of certain Evanuris and Elder Gods.

It’s actually kind of boring.

But I am not going to complain because once I do, who knows what fresh hell of unhappiness will be thrown towards me?

I know I got promised all the powers of a member of the continuum from Star Trek, but I haven’t really tried testing them. Which I’m sure many of you are thinking, “Well you’re a dumb cunt” but really what am I going to test them on right now? So far the only feasible idea I have had without breaking technological or reality boundaries are giving myself delicious meals and copying the sweater tunic and pants outfit someone gave me and making it a different color.

Which is how I came to be wearing a hot pink sweater tunic with black leggings and belt when Cassandra came to ask me join everyone for a meeting in the war room.

“What are you wearing?” she asks me in that heavily accented voice of hers.

“Same thing I was wearing the other day. I just changed the color when I copied the top,” I explain.

“It’s very…bright.”

“I definitely stand out,” I agree and we head towards the Chantry.

You would not believe the looks that I got from people around Haven as we walk towards our target. I enjoyed myself too much to feel self-conscious about the stares. I feel very pretty.

“How has your foot been feeling?”

I shrug at Cassandra’s question. “Doesn’t bother me. Except when I’m sleeping. You’d be surprised how much light it gives off in the dark. Even under the blankets.”

“That is... interesting to know,” she replies. Her tone reveals how uncomfortable she is with me. Or maybe I’m imagining it? I don’t know. I can’t read people for shit. “Solas has confirmed it is no longer growing. That both it and the Breach are stable. He also believes that a second attempt will succeed - provided it has more power.”

I wonder if I could use my omnipotent powers to close the Breach, cut out all that pesky bullshit?

I need to consult an Elder God on any terms or limitations I’ve got. Then again, there should no longer be anything that holds me back.

Turning my attention back to Cassandra though. “He’s right,” I confirm as we head into the War Room. “But I think you’ll find Cullen’s also right.”

Everyone is staring at me, whether it be my clothes or my words.

“Let’s skip introductions, since you know each other and I know you and get to the point,” I decree. Don’t need to let this go on longer than necessary when I’ve got an Elder God or several I need to question. “Both sides could succeed in their aid with closing the Breach. Suppressing it or sending a whole hell of magic into me will get the job done. I don’t know, I haven’t exactly repeated my life cycle past the Hinterlands. I keep dying before I can even get to experience travelling to Val Royeaux let alone meet the remaining clerics. I know about the Chantry’s denouncement and what people are calling me - and how you’re using that to your advantage.” I stare pointedly at Leliana before continuing. “Personally I don’t give a fuck what they think of me. The Chantry as a whole is so far up their own asses they can’t do anything useful and will only be a rock in the proverbial boot. The only power they have right now is that they’re united against me and the Inquisition. Something that they apparently keep forgetting the Divine was building as a way to stop the chaos that the shit they’ve been perpetuating for years has lead up to.”

I take a breath.

“Right now we can’t approach either side because we don’t have enough clout. Meaning we or to be more precise I have to go out and fix shit that nobody else can apparently. The Hinterlands is the first place. So I’ll head there in a bit. I can get Mother Giselle to come back here, provide some names for you. Then Josephine, you can work your own brand of magic and get us a meeting.”

“I can?” The Antivan woman looks at me surprised, blinks and then says more confidently, “I can.”

“Trust me, Ms Montilyet, there’s not too many others who can wade a political handling like you,” I tell her. I’ve had no bad interactions with Josephine and that colors my view as to being more friendly when it comes to her. I don’t know how this will end up but I’m hopeful.

“You seem quite sure of yourself,” Cullen spoke up. His voice is harsh as it normally is with me.

“Like I said, I’ve done this more than a few times so I know what to expect to a degree,” I remind him. I cross my arms in over my chest. “I’ve had more than my fair share of dealings with you all and most of them haven’t been pleasant. I’ve been stabbed by you,” I point to Cassandra then to Leliana, “interrogated to the point of exhaustion and a psychotic breakdown by you. Nearly sexually assaulted by you because some Elder God thought making dark aggressive Cullen Rutherford was a good idea and because for some reason you,” I motion to Leliana again, “thought that if he can seduce the fat bitch she’d be more controllable. I’m paraphrasing the fat bitch part.” I turn to Josephine. “I’ve never had any issues with you so we’re golden.”

“You continue to make these odd claims and yet we have no proof you’re telling the truth.”

“Well if Butler betrays you and kills what’s-his-name?” I pause and then remember. “Ferrier. Right, if that happens then you know I was right. And if it doesn’t than you can lock me back up in the dungeons where I can take a hint from one of my fan fictions and renovate the place. Either way I’ve got shit to do. Just tell me when we need to go do it and I’ll see if I can figure out how to pack a travel bag. Still don’t know how to do that or fight but I’ll deal with it. Are we done? This low light is making me sleepy.”

Leliana is stone faced. Cassandra looks about twelve layers of ambivalent. Cullen is in my best description guess glowering at me and Josephine is busy taking notes on her board. 

I nod. “Thank you all for your time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas. Please take a break every so often. Hydrate. Eat. Like I said in my other stuff I've been not doing so well. Haven't had much Christmas cheer but I've had some nice things happen and I'm glad for them. Still trying to get a gaming computer I can make videos and do all the things I want to. Still struggling to make ends meet.  
> Also doctor says I have onset of type-2 Wilfred Brimley.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feeling a little bit melancholic.

“The only thing you can’t do is change your shape. Any kind of changes to your form have to be done naturally. Weight loss, weight gain that sort of thing. It’s a kind of balance to your invulnerability.”

So no shape shifting.

“Only because it’d make you feel odd,” Sheogorath agrees. “There’s really no limits - minus what you’d put on yourself.”

I take a sip of white hot chocolate, relaxing on a swinging papasan chair. Softly I swing back and forth, my cup bearing a protective lid to safeguard against spills. It’s peaceful. And it’s not a piece of furniture I would ever have the ability to sit on in real life. So why not let it happen within my fantasy?

The rich whipped cream melts and combines with the creamy of my drink as I think on what he’s told me. “So you’ve really turned me into a Q, huh?” I ponder.

“Only while you’re on Thedas,” he nods.

Makes sense.

“So I can do anything but unnaturally modify my body,” I repeat aloud. “Not that I would have changed my race or felt the need to transform into like a bear or something. I’m barely comfortable in my own skin most days. But I’m still god mode-ing it, I take it.”

“Lass, you could get grabbed by a dragon and chewed on and the only thing it would do is ruin your outfit! You could dive in lava, let a thousand arrows hit your body, or someone can even flay the skin of your bones! You’d be fine. It’s like when you play Minecraft.”

Pure 100% god mode.

“But I wouldn’t go using your new found powers to close the Breach,” Sheogorath advised. “Might cause a bit of a problem.”

I had wondered about doing it but he’s right. I mean if I just close it, I risk Coryphe-asshole building a mega army composed of all the Venatori and Red Templars he can get his talons on and everyone getting massacred with no one knowing until it’s too late. 

Well, probably. 

Maybe.

I’m not feeling up to testing it. Giant pain in the ass.

“Sometimes you just have to let these things happen naturally,” Sheogorath proclaims. “Like the aging of a fine cheese or letting the microwave pop yer popcorn!”

Microwave popping my popcorn is natural?

“Also it still stands you won’t be using the waste receptacles as the whole process is disgusting and messy. And you can still fuck who you want to without having to worry about the consequences!”

Not Cullen.

Never Cullen.

“I understand, Lass.”

I knew he did which was why I am now what I am. He experienced it through my senses, he became me and has felt my pain and confusion and self consciousness. It still more than a little weird for me to think that. I have not forgotten that so I don’t smart off and ask “do you now?” in sarcasm.

I mean I could but it’d be fucking rude.

I don’t feel like being rude right now. This whole sitting in front of a cozy fire space with wood crackling and my swinging gently is just so nice. There’s snow falling around us but it doesn’t touch us.

Like a moment in heaven.

I hate to leave it.

“I think I want to create a world state,” I say. “Is that doable.”

“It’s possible but you sure, Lass? You already got a work load in front of ya as it is. First off, would you want to step in the shoes or craft it from the sidelines? You can’t do what you were planning on with your fictional characters - wouldn’t make sense in your case.”

He speaks of my fic involving Caffeine. God, I am behind on that one! My attempt to make it this big in depth fic hasn’t been working as well as I’ve wanted to. She’s the Warden turned Champion and then finally the Inquisitor. But… the words to describe her journey. They’ve faltered transferring properly from my head to paper. Or rather word document.

I sigh deep before taking another sip from my drink.

I want that knowledge. I want to know. Hermaeus Mora would understand. He probably does. I don’t speak to him so I don’t know for certain.

The thing is it might be more than having that known control of a start point. I think my hesitancy might also do with, I don’t know where I’m going with this journey while I’m on it. What’s the destination? Getting to the end of Trespasser and then going back home? Back to reality where I sleep in the living room on mattresses stacked on a broken sectional? Where there’s not one day I don’t pass worrying about money or having healthy food to eat? Where I stew in jealousy of the haves while at the same time am glad I’m not a complete have not?

I don’t know. What do you think?


End file.
